how hard we listen to our heart...

it's been so long since the last time i wrote in this blog. feels like thousand years ago. and i honestly say that i miss to write in here .
i can't say that i was busy enough to write something in this place . there always be time to wrtite something, but it's always end with blank.

I was thinking that i'm changing . that's why its really hard to find some ideas to write . but now , i come back .
this blog started when i decided to go to france , and i believe , it will end just as it's start .

i was choosing my study in french days ago , and i found myself have no idea of what major should i take . so many things in my head and it makes me confuse . my first choice is i want to take cinematographique , but most of cinematographique in french are private , and it costs really expensive , so i change it into something called "art du spectacle" (it can be said performing arts) . But this major is not that specific as cinematographique . it learn about theatre , dance , photography and also cinematography .
and then the other option is to work in abroad , that can be work in ambassador of Indonesia in franchophone country or it might be work in United Nation . to do this , i have to choose 1 of these 4 major : history , geography , science politic , or laws , in my Bachelor , then take international relation in Master degree .
the other option is to take education . i always imagine my self being a teacher. i like inspiring people btw , and i have so much experience in my life to share with my students .
i also want to be a psycholog because i want to improve my self . i have so many bad characters , and i just want to "repair" it .
now maybe you start to think that i am wishy washy , but yeah , i have one another option ,
i want to take management . i like imagine my self becoming a man with integrity and suite , leads hundreds even thousands people in a company , take decision , have power , something like that .

know you see how confuse i am . every option has its advantages and disadvantages and i can't even chose one of them .
i asked advices to many people : my ex-teacher , my best-friend , my aunt , my grandma.. but all of them just answer : "just listen to your heart" .
but how ? its really easy when i give advices to my friends to take the subject they like , but it really hard when i , my self , do it .
days after days i'm becoming more confuse and dont know how to choose . untill last night , i choose not to sleep , but look inside my self , what exactly i made for . i chat with my french friends brendan , he advice me to take management . we're searching the university who has the proper program for me to follow (i've always think that economy is not my things) , and got some great university . i was so confident to take it . it was 5a.m. when i went to sleep .

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lettre for people i know in my life


Salute,
I woke up this morning (11am actually) with weird feeling : the feeling of regret. Its like you wake up in the morning and you feel disappointed of ure life or what have you decided.
Its bring me to another thought that maybe these time my mind filled with so much worries, and its make me can't see it clearly. I thought what people said about me, I asked to much advices , I let myself lost because I closed its door and didn't want to listen to its voice.

in my perfect world, I imagine myself as a mature man with integrity, honor, power and also glory. As a man, that is normal I think. Its the main needs of everyman, to be a powerful and being respected. A man with elegant suite with his suitcase, and always looked busy with his bluetooth , talking about how big the profit if we accept this agreement. I also imagine if one day I'm standing in front of the world leaders as the general secretaire of united nation , push them to decrease the effects of global warming. I know its too far and maybe for some of you , I'm a fucking dreamer. I won't deny it!

But also , I have another dreams, if I can't say this the easiest , then I say this as the most possible dream . Of course we don't have boundaries when we pick a dream. You can have a dream to be the first man who go to Alpha Centaury ,or you can be the first man who lived in the sun. Dream doesn't have boundaries, but we are , human being, the boastful creatured ever created , have limits. and we can't deny it.

I don't want to say that have a dream to go to Alpha Centaury is impossible. There always be something , people said it luck , I prefer say it God's chance, to make our dreams come true. I do believe it . Maybe one night , on the silent hill, you are seeing the stars, and hooppss, there is a bright light appears near you, and voila, that's a UFO and he bring you to Alpha Centaury. We've never know?!

What I want to say is that we can dream unboundaries. But in those unboundaries dreams, there always be a dream, that written in your heart, its even written before you're bornt! When a young couple talked about their dreams , their life, their child.
Yeah its us . We're build by our parent's dream. A dream of a better life.
It's written in your heart because when your mom pregnant, every night he talked to her little baby "you'll gonna be a good guy, who appreciate woman, guard them , and love them, not too make them cry ." , "you'll gonna be a lovely mother who take care your family , nurture your child with love and support your husband with your pray." Et cetera , et cetera.
This what I said the most possible dream. To be what we made for.

Of course I still want to be a busy-man (not businessman) who decides important decision. Who have power to rules the wrongs . I do. Its make people who know us feel proud . But we're made not to make people proud, but to answer the calling , and fulfill it. Not to make people happy, but to share our happines .

So from now , I want to listen my heart clearly . And follow it . I still need advices, but it is my heart who will take decision.

So, to all of you, maybe my decision sounds kinda shocking and unreliable (verdiyan can change his mind In 5minuntes!! Haha) , but this is me .
I'm just 20 by the way.
Hahaha...